Reflections

Learning to Love the Storm

And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.

Haruki Murakami

Sometimes I ask myself: Why haven’t I taken the storm more seriously? Because that is my reality. I always saw it as something that was far away from me, as something that I was never going to take into account, as I was in the eye of the storm.

But no, I never saw it as something that came towards me. Until it arrived. Class 5 hurricane, like Irma. Destructive, I had to literally fly with all those things that were not good: lies, fat, unresolved feelings and emotions, past loneliness, fears, fears, insecurities, mistrust, low self-esteem, etc. All, elements that had stuck to me, like shells to a ship, like leeches to the skin, and were causing me harm, were hiding that true me, that Nicolas that was hidden among so much dirt.

And still, it was like God had to come to claim me. He just saw me as I was, covered up to the head, in what the bible calls the “Well of Despair,” only I didn’t see it. It was my friend who constantly told me: “Nico, treat yourself.” Or, “Nico, for me it is important that you treat yourself, since it is part of what I am passionate about in my profession”, but the truth is that I saw it as an attack. I regret that. She was not only caring more about me, but she was seeing beyond my own eyes. She saw with her profession, with her heart and with the blessing that God gave her, based on what I was going through. She knew that sooner or later that storm would come over me, but I, in all my pride, in all my arrogance, I did not want to see it.

It was her, who anticipated, and to this day it is her who I thank for her advice. Why? Simple: Because she managed to put, despite my refusal, her friendship above all else, at the cost of me lying to her, offending her, disrespecting her, and even ignoring her. I was blinded, I didn’t want to see the obvious. And even though what had to happen happened: she decided to leave it to God. Today I thank her a lot because thanks to her today I can realize from her how much she was right.

She once told me: “I had to go to healing courses for wadding. I had to cry it all out.” But in my denial, in my pride, I always said that this storm was far from me. That this situation would never happen to me. However, it is in this process that the one who has had to go through an intensive process on the part of God, is me. I have cried it all out, I have fought it, I have discussed it, but in the end, God has triumphed. God follows as head, as guide. God is treating my pride, my arrogance every day. God eliminated from me a past of lies, revealing a present of transparency. I have nothing to fear, I have nothing to hide. That has become of me today: If God is able to see me transparently and does not judge me, then why do I have to hide from the rest?

My life is in constant change. God ignored my fears. He put peace on myself, cast off my anxiety, cast off my fears. He put security in my heart, he put conviction. Today more than ever I can say that I am still in a process, but I have the certainty that the Nico that will come out of all this, will not look at all like the Nico that I once was.

God is preparing me. God is making me into a man in his likeness. God is eliminating from me what he does not like, and for the first time in many years I am giving myself completely to God so that he can take out what he has to take out, to be his masterpiece again, and to love with his love .

Does this mean the storm passed? No not at all. The waves are getting higher and higher, the mountains are getting more and more unscalable. The winds are blowing stronger and stronger. But the rain is also falling. Every day the rain is cooling this storm. It gives me encouragement, it gives me hope.

When I least think about it, it is that rain that embraces me, that lifts me up, that encourages me to return to who I am, that takes me to new heights, to be the best version of myself.

The storm is running its course, and it really won’t be over anytime soon. I just know that, even though it is getting more and more difficult, with each passing day I feel like my being, my mind, my physique and my heart is advancing according to what God originally planned for me.

All I know is that I am already being transformed in this storm, and the Nico who is going to leave here will be closer to the way God wants me every day: as his son, as his loved one, as my creator. God is moving, and today more than ever, I can tell that He is moving strongly in me.

I’m loving this storm.

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