Reflections

Keep on Trying, Even When it Seems There is No Hope

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.

Dale Carnegie

I believe that it is today when I most need this phrase.

I am a person who has always been super impatient and the fact of waiting for someone or something, has always been an extremely hard thing for me, since it brings me a gigantic number of anxiety attacks.

Specially in this last time, when I’m going through a rough depression that I have been battling, adding this to a strict diet and significant weight loss, it is when I most seek to see a light at the end of the tunnel. However, every time I try to see it, it seems more and more distant. And seriously, comes that question like “Is it worth the wait?”.

That’s when lies came in, creating spaces, stories, imaginations or even fantasies to make true. But immediately, my mind and my heart react to such a question. What is going through your mind? Of course it is worth the wait, specially when it’s about on waiting for someone. Obviously it is worth it when your conviction are stronger, and fully aligned with your dreams. Obviously it’s worth the wait when you can see beyond your fears, your sadness, your worries, and even your own anxiety.

I’ve waited before, I haven’t given up, I haven’t stopped, and it worked. Why am I giving up now? I insist, the award is worth a life, and for that award, for that dream, for that person, for that future, for that instance, I would be able to give everything, EVERYTHING. Time? Yes. God, throughout this last time has been preparing and training me to understand what is it living under his times, under his Kairos. It’s not about my times, it’s about his.

But, dang, waiting is really complicated. Dang that there are times in where one really loses all hope. That is the time when fears, doubts, and uncertainties come in. But if God has moved mountains in the past, if God has taken various things out of me, if He has been able to transform me in his style, then there is nothing to fear. He is in control, and he knows my dream, he knows who I pray for every night, and he knows that for that person I would give everything. He is the creator of everything, even me, even her. I will never be able to force people to anything, and I will never want to do it, however I will give everything to conquer that person’s heart, cost me what it costs, and time will be nothing.

That’s when the biblical story of Jacob gives me strength, and makes more sense to me. “So Jacob worked seven more years to get Rachel, but her love for her was so strong that it seemed like a few days.” Jacob worked, and he didn’t sit idly by. He kept plowing land, he kept herding sheep, he kept doing things, because his love for Raquel motivated him to move forward.

In my case it is similar, but it is not only about her. It’s about me. My work has to do with my mental health, it has to do with my weight loss, it has to do with my muscular strengthening, it has to do with being the best version of myself and therefore maintain that version in the future. It has to do with looking at myself in the mirror and being able to say “Here I am. This was my past. I accept it, and it is behind me. It is healed, and I am now free from it. Today I am here to build a future.”

This is the Nicolas H. Toma that I am. This is this man that God is preparing me day by day, and this is the man who will be victorious. I will not give up. I can not give up. I will not do it. God is with me, and if he is with me, then who is against me? She is worth it. I’m worth it. The future is worth it. Dreams are worth it. Everything is worth it. No, I will not surrender. Whatever it takes, I’ll do it.

That is why, although there seems to be no hope, even if everything seems to be lost. Although the world seems to come against me. Although people speak awful things of me, and tell me that I can not. Despite all the variables that may be against me, God is with me. And with God by my side, I’ll make it through. That’s my reality. And really, the dream and the future that God put in my heart, added to this conviction of what I want to achieve, is worth it today, more than ever.

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