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It’s been 33 years. 33 Years where I knew I didn’t fit in anyplace. 33 years of loneliness that a few friends knew how to put to an end. This trip to L.A. has made me find home. Let me share some of my story.

In 33 years, my life has been from loneliness to loneliness. Each of the friends that I have made, went back to black, and I can’t blame them. I’ve been someone difficult, with an almost impossible mood, but that had to come to an end. The problem was that at the point that it came to an end, all my friends had gone far away. Only one (Claudio) did stay and has been until today my only friend in Chile.

And then came this trip to L.A. I have to say, I really felt in my heart that it was going to be different and impacting, in a way I dreamed that I would find home. And the truth was that: I did.

Today, I was decided to go to Fuller Seminary (A lot of you know that I have two enormous dreams in my life: Getting married at some point and creating a family and getting my MDiv). I had the chance to visit the campus, and the most I walker, the most I felt like this was the home that God had prepared for me long ago. But my mind stumbled in fear. Although I know that my trust is based in God, the enemy tries to steal that moment and fill me with fears: Fear of not having the money to do it, fear of not having the aptitude, and even, fear of loosing this feeling of “Home” that I finally had found.

And my heart came to a stumble. Not with God, no. I keep trusting in him, but I started to remember the days of loneliness, these past 33 years where loneliness was the center of each Sept. 29. Although people came and said hi, I never felt them as truly friends, like deep, deep friends. It was just a mere circumstance to overcome the true feeling of not being in home, deep in my heart.

Birthday

Today I turn 33 years. 33 Years where every time, my birthday was just a day where no one mattered anything. It was just a mere day, a single time, just one more day of the week where I received calls, when someone posted on Facebook, or tried to do something. But as much as I could, September 29th was just another day.

In my heart, the birthdays from the people I knew were really important. That much that I tried to celebrate them as much as I could because I love them. However, in the center of my heart, I tried all that I could to celebrate them as much as possible because I really had this emotion of not letting their birthday mean as little as mine did.

My nights in my birthday were just of crying. Simple: I didn’t feel friendship. It was just another day, just another night I was just going to be sitting in my bed feeling untrue feelings from others to myself.

And then came this trip. And then came 2 girls and one guys that changed everything. That gave importance, not only to my birthday, but to my life, to me. Gave their time, gave their availability and gave me a hand. They made me feel like home, regardless whatever, regardless my past, my pain. They simply left that aside and accepted me as I am: A perfect imperfect man.

They are Peter, Tori and Sharon. Peter has been the biggest big brother (along with Claudio) that God has given me, sharing life with me, and even sharing dreams and goals, practicing languages, just being him, and him alone. Tori has been a sister, someone who knows my heart, who constantly prays for me, who has been not only a friend, but has been someone that God has allowed me to trust in, to know her passion for acting, her passion for God and even her passion for her dreams. And Sharon, what about Sharon? I will say that there are many gifts that the world can give, but when God gives a gift, he transforms everything around you. That is Sharon. Sharon is the biggest gift that God has given me in my life. Not only she has become someone that I truly love, but also she has become one of my most special and best friends, someone that has the time to share her passions, herself, her time, her emotions, her everything. Even her laughter, animal noises and goofy quality time, something that has changed me. Completely. She has been the biggest and most amazing Gift I have in life.

But today, my heart broke in 2. Literally. It’s been a day where all the emotions that have been trapped came out. Due to two single instances:

1.- Sharon comes and blindfolded me. She had a surprise for me. My first 33 birthday gift. And it’s simple: she just took her time to read me, to read my emotions, my feelings, my passions, my dreams. She actually took time to tell something simple: “Hey, I want to be with you for your birthday. Its important”. That was the first breaking of my heart. What had been just another day for the past 32 years, was something important for her. I thanked her, gave her a hug and kiss, and jumped into my car. It didn’t pass a single second and started to cry as never I had done before. My heart was healing. My birthday was meaningful for someone.

2.- Then came Tori. We hadn’t met in person, only via zoom and developed a good friendship. We had a Ramen Night, sharing stories and having fun. When it was the time to pay she said it was on her, “because it was my birthday week”. And above it all, that she wanted to surprise me tomorrow by celebrating my birthday at a determined time. I left her in her house after that. And from that moment until now I haven’t stopped crying for a second. Why? Simple. For 33 years no one cared for September 29th as something special. It was just another day where I was the one in charge of celebrating it. However, for the first time in my life, someone decided to celebrate it, and that wasn’t me.

Above all, I have just been here for 4 days, and I have finally found my home. God has put new friends in my life, God has been starting to shed all my past away. God is fulfilling his promise. I really don’t want this to be over. God knows my dream is Fuller, is his MDiv, is serving him 24/7 for the rest of my life. If he has started now, I know he won’t stop.

It’s been 33 years of pain. After that, I’ve finally found home. I don’t want to leave. All I know, is I can trust in God. He knows best. He has made a way for me to come to LA. I know he won’t let me down.

My tears are not of pain anymore. My tears  are of happiness, and, for the first time in my life, I’m shedding tears of peace. I’ve finally found Home.

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