Reflections

Don’t Let Your Feelings Control You

When your feelings control you, anyone can avoid your blows. But, by eliminating your ego, You will begin to see your Path.

Shamon – Shaman King

This is my reality, and even this applies to one of those phrases in which I feel that God is calling my attention, but in the same way, it confronts me with my past and with the things that have haunted me , and as a result of this, I continue with emotional results that bring me more and more problems with myself.

Feelings have always been my weakness. Not because I don’t know how to control them, but because when they control me, I lose myself, and everything built in a moment goes to black. It is there when my feelings take over my person and all blows are evaded. I can’t get it right with purposes, I can’t get it right with emotions, I can’t get it right with anything, and all the barriers that I have tried to lower are raised.

A super clear example was in my last relationship with the person who has been one of the most important to me. Because of my feelings, I raised barriers. Any success I could have made was automatically transformed into defeat, and this led to my feelings controlling me. Feelings of anger, guilt, fear of losing someone I love, panic of losing friends, insecurity and even loneliness. It is in this minute when everything I tried to fix went to B. For example, I tried to do everything to get the person I loved back, she ended up moving further away from me because she felt harassed. I tried to seek support from those close to him, she ended up getting more angry because of the lies and disappointments that came to light. I tried to reach her by trying to go to places where she was, and it was the worst thing in the world: I began to loose her friendship.

And no, with this I don’t want to play the victim, far from it. I accept my responsibility. I accept that my feelings over-controlled me and instead of being able to do things that turned into successes, my feelings turned into blindness that managed to spoil that relationship more and more. I even ended up raising my ego, my inner self to blame others for my own failures, my own mistakes, my own blindness, to the point that I accused her of having little grace towards me, or even of being the one responsible for my sadness, of my illusions. I ended up elevating my ego to the point that she was the culprit and I was the victim. I ended up making her feel uncomfortable, and even disrespecting her actions, her life, and her space. I ended up being called the liar, the macho, the stalker, the one who does not leave people alone… to the point that I achieved what I have feared most over time: to return little by little to that line that obscures joy and transforms it into loneliness.

But that also led me to learn. It led me to learn that although everything seems black, I always have friends who are by my side. Even though my ego soared through the roof and put more and more barriers on me, nothing good was happening. I learned to eradicate my ego. I learned to be brave. I learned to wait, to make decisions in pursuit of what I believe and feel. I learned to take the weight of things. I learned to listen to others, to let go of things for the necessary time, and even to lower my guard. I learned to keep loving, to avoid going blind because of my feelings, and to trust God more and more. I learned to see that each element that God has put in my path is to improve, to heal my present and my past, and thereby make me a better man in the future. I learned to understand what emotional responsibility is, and thereby understand the effects of not controlling my feelings. Finally, I learned to be every day less like I want to be, and more like Jesus, a humble, trustworthy, friend, companion, honest man who knows how to respect others. No, I do not think that the latter is something that is fully developed, but I am 100% sure that I am changing, and for the better.

It is no longer about not being able to control my feelings or my emotions. Today on the contrary, it is about waiting, trusting, discarding my ego, and seeing the path that God is building day by day in pursuit of his love for me, to be a Better Version of myself, and therefore, return to the God’s original design for my life, being able to be more like him, and less like me.

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